Jyoti's Blog

Hi Taylor, it’s me, Jyoti, a nobody from Nepal, lost in the sea of billions who adore you. You’ll never know me, and I can’t expect you to. I’m just a small, insignificant dreamer, clinging to the impossible hope of ever seeing you.

Today, December 9, 2024, marks the end of the Eras Tour in Vancouver, Canada. 149 breathtaking shows across five continents and 50 cities, more than 3.5 hours of pure magic, a setlist of over 46 songs crafted into 10 unforgettable acts that celebrated everything you’ve created. It made history, $2 billion in revenue, 10 million souls filling sold-out stadiums, and even outside, thousands stood together, singing, crying, and holding onto moments they couldn’t bear to miss. In Germany, 40,000 to 50,000 fans  stayed beyond the gates just to be near you. This was history. It was unforgettable. And yet, my heart aches because I couldn’t be a part of it. I couldn’t live those moments I’ve spent years dreaming of, wishing for, and yearning to feel. My love for you feels as distant as the Andromeda Galaxy, as unreachable as a pulsar shining millions of light-years away. I’m just a star lost in an infinite universe of fans. And though I’ll always hold this love, I’ll always carry the heartbreak of missing the greatest era of my life.

I’ve admired you for over a decade, Taylor. I’ve been listening to you since before the world recognized your brilliance, before you won your first Grammy. You were just 20 years old when Fearless, your masterpiece, earned that Grammy. A 20 year old girl with a heart full of stories, twisting words into something magical, songs that would go on to change lives, mine included. And now, here we are, as you approach your 35th birthday on December 13. Time moves so fast, doesn’t it? That same girl who once stood on a stage at 20, clutching her first Grammy, has grown into a woman who rewrote history. At 35, you’ve created a legacy so monumental it’s almost surreal, crafting the highest-grossing tour the world has ever seen.

It’s beautiful. It’s awe-inspiring. But it’s bittersweet for me. I’ve watched you grow, admired your journey from afar, and yet I’m reminded of how far away I truly am. I wasn’t there for the moments I dreamed of sharing with you. And as proud as I am, my heart aches knowing I’ve only been a silent witness to your legacy, never a part of it. This tour has been more than just music—it’s been a collection of stories, memories, history, and moments for everyone who had the chance to experience it. Broken hearts were mended, parted souls found their way back together, and even the most unbelievable love stories became real, just like you sang in Love Story. For so many, it was a dream come true.

But not me. Attending one of your concerts has always been a dream so vivid yet so painfully distant, something I’ve longed for with all my heart but know I’ll never have. I’m just a faint, distant star, burning quietly far away, too far to ever be part of the light and love your concerts create.  If life ever gave me the chance if I had the money, the time, or the choice between my medical treatments and a single night at your concert I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d choose you. I know people would call me foolish, say I’m selfish, that health should always come first. But they don’t know what it’s like. They don’t know I’ve been diagnosed with an incurable disease, a battle I can’t win no matter how many treatments I endure.

So yes, I’d choose you, Taylor your concert and all. Because it’s not just a concert. It’s a piece of life I’ve dreamed of living, a moment of happiness I could hold onto when everything else feels so heavy. When my time here is over, I want to leave with something beautiful to remember. I want to carry the memory of standing there, feeling alive, even if it’s just once. And I know, deep in my heart, that choosing that moment over the inevitable weight of treatments that can not save me would never, ever be a regret.


Today, I watched the live stream of your final concert, your last tour, and it broke me. It left me feeling so empty, so heartbroken, because I kept wondering,why does everything beautiful have to end? Why can’t the good things, the magical things, just go on forever? And why can’t I be part of those moments?

The life I’ve been living feels like nothing but a constant battle, a never-ending war. For me, it’s always been about surviving, fighting through each day as if I’m waging a great war all on my own. And yet, your music, the lyrics you craft with such raw honesty, always hits me in places I didn’t even know were hurting. It makes me realize just how broken I am, how full of sorrow this world can be, and how alone I feel fighting these invisible armies. But even in the heartbreak, in the chaos, your music reminds me of one thing: I’m still surviving. I’m still holding on, even when it feels impossible. I’m still here, somehow, fighting through this great war.

In the midst of this chaotic world, life has never surprised me with the courage to reveal the broken pieces of my heart. But on December 13, 2024, something beautiful will happen, a small celebration here in Nepal with fellow Swifties, and it feels like not just a party, but a graduation of sorts for me too as I’m graduating too. A bittersweet moment of joy and fulfillment, yet underlined with the quiet ache of longing. I don’t know if you will ever know this, but in this fleeting instant, in this moment, it feels like this dream of meeting you, of somehow bridging this distance, is what keeps me going. The hope to one day tell you how enchanted I am to even think of meeting you. But it remains a distant fantasy, a longing that I will carry with me forever, wondering if you will ever know me or the letters I’ve poured my heart into, scattered across the internet, wishing for a connection that may never come.

Still, there’s something beautiful in this quiet desperation, in being a fan who can only dream of standing before you. Even just the thought of seeing you live in concert or witnessing you perform, something as distant as the stars, is a wish I’ve nurtured, even in my wildest dreams. Even if I never meet you, even if my only connection to you is through a screen TV, social media, videos,I’ll always feel that enchantment. I am still grateful for the magic of those moments.

Writing this letter is so hard for me; every word is a piece of my heart, a confession of my deepest love, my desperate longing, my unspoken hope.

This letter is all I have, and it makes me feel like just another broken soul among millions of fearless fans, lost in the crowd. But still, from the depths of my heart, I wish you a happy 35th birthday, Taylor Swift. You are my favorite artist, my guiding star, and the one I’ll always love from afar.You’ll always be my favorite artist, and no distance or dream will ever take away the enchantment you’ve brought into my life. Though the distance may never close, the love, admiration and respect I feel for you will never fade.

The once bright morning now casts shadows,

The sun that once warmed me now only sears.

Each step along this path a painful reminder,

I asked if you’d walk with me, but you declined,

“I would,” you said, “but I’m busy, I must leave.”

I accepted it quietly, another stab to the heart.

Our encounter under different stars,

I hurried forth, heart racing.

“Hello,” I whispered, a tremor in my voice,

Your “hello” echoed softly, a fragile start,

From that simple greeting, our tale wove,

But alas, it now fades with your crushing rejection, leaving me broken.

I found a refuge in my ease,

Maybe too safe, I dared to be.

Unveiling my heart, I laid it bare,

Revealing every fracture, every tear,

Reserved only for your gaze, I let you in,

Now, in the agony of heartbreak, I see my folly.

I’ll admit, your charm, your kindness, your warmth

Drew me in, though I bore the painful truth.

No future could I promise, my time uncertain,

So I chose the path of friendship, a bittersweet choice,

Accepting it, though the ache of longing remains,

Knowing it was the only path, yet feeling the weight of loss.

Our talks flowed, but the words were always mine,

I unloaded my world onto your listening ears,

Every day revolved around our conversations,

Speaking with you was a balm, a respite from the ache,

When the darkness threatened to consume,

I turned to you, and the thoughts of ending it all vanished,

The weight of pain, betrayal, heartbreak,

Seemed to lift, if only for those moments with you,

After a year of loving someone who discarded me like trash

Merely conversing with you offered a fleeting escape from it all.

Always I cared, loved, and poured out my soul

Always by your side, unwavering and true,

Sensing the shadows behind your facade,

I reached out, “Are you okay?” my words a plea,

A week echoed by before your response arrived,

Each day of silence a heavy burden of concern,

In the quiet, my heart whispered, “Are you well?”

Yet, you remained oblivious to my ache, my worry.

I’d ask, hopeful, if we could meet once more,

And meet we did, those fleeting encounters,

But soon, your desire to meet seemed to wane,

Only a few months had passed,

Yet, in that time, I’d never felt closer to another soul,

Each plea to meet met with your hesitant “yes”,

Yet, when the appointed hour arrived,

You left me hanging, abandoned at the final hour,

Excuses poured forth like a river, a deluge of reasons,

But I chose to believe, in my shattered hope,

That your intentions were pure, in a broken, hopeful way.

I pleaded, you acquiesced

Your “yes” a fleeting glimmer of hope,

Blinded by my own desperation,

I mistook your agreement as a promise,

Yet, all I received was rejection,

Time and again, you left me waiting,

Your intentions crystal clear,

Yet, I, the fool, held on,

Each “yes” a dagger to my wounded heart,

Leaving me shattered, bruised by my own persistent folly.

I believed I’d found a kindred spirit,

You swiftly became one of my dearest allies,

It’s staggering, considering our brief time together,

Yet, already I felt the bonds of friendship tightening.

Every effort I made,

Ensuring our meetings were comfortable for you,

Aware of the discomfort I often bring,

For I am akin to a corpse in the eyes of many.

I did all I could to set things straight,

You never requested distance, yet I offered,

Thinking I understood, empathized with your needs.

I believed I’d unearthed a friend,

In that brief, blissful moment of joy,

Then, like a shadow in the night, you vanished,

Leaving me abandoned, lost in the void,

Anxiety gripping my heart,

Yet, the cruel truth unveiled itself,

I was the one left wounded, shattered by your absence.

All the efforts, the love, the care,

They all poured forth from my side,

But what I reaped in return,

Nothing but rejection, lies, and heartbreak,

Lost in illusions of the best possible reality.

For a while, it seemed alright,

Or so I let myself believe,

Only to discover it was all a facade,

A cruel twist of fate that will never align.

The weight of blame still lingers,

Where did I stumble?

What misstep did I unknowingly take?

Oh, the agony of self-doubt and regret.

The pain cuts deep, not because

Someone dear has wounded me,

But because despite knowing all,

Despite knowing what shatters my soul,

You chose to inflict the same hurt.

Tears flowed, anger burned,

Therapy sought in hopes of respite,

Yet your betrayal lingers, a searing ache.

You tore me apart when you abandoned me

My words poured out in anguish,

You offered apologies,

Empty words to ease your conscience,

No real effort to right the wrong.

Then, silence.

No more messages, no more replies,

I felt the loss keenly,

To you, I am nothing,

But to me, you were everything

I was certain of one thing,

Once you departed Nepal ,

I would fade from your existence,

Yet, I allowed myself that fragile hope

Now, I feel adrift among distant stars,

Drifting towards the abyss of black holes.

Trying to forgive, to let the wounds heal,

Yet, the ache remains, a relentless burden,

I don’t wish to carry bitterness as I depart,

But moving forward feels like an impossible task

I understand I had little to offer,

Just my flaws, my vulnerabilities laid bare,

Yet, this is the person I am,

With nothing more to give,

And for that, I’m deeply sorry, for my inadequacies.

I’ve attempted to drown the sorrow,

In bottles of beer, vodka, anything strong,

Yet, the pain persists, unyielding, refusing to fade.

Perhaps I got lost in the translation,

Though I recall every detail with painful clarity,

I was there, every moment etched into my being.

Yet now, the mornings greet me with emptiness,

The sun’s warmth a distant memory,

Even the comforting scent of coffee fails to stir me,

No soul knows the depth of my tears that night,

The rivers that streamed from my eyes,

The shattered fragments of my heart,

A void of sorrow akin to colliding black holes.

And I, a mere shadow of my former self,

Forever changed by this heartache,

Drifting in the wake of what once was.

As dawn broke, it slipped away from my grasp,
Fading beyond my reach, leaving me in the dark.
Though yearning to behold, I was blinded,
Lost in the depths of despair, the months have been unkind
Each night resembles the last, a cycle of sorrow,
Leaving me exposed, raw and hollow.


In the grip of fear and vulnerability,
Hopelessness and helplessness engulfed me,
Caught between the relentless storm of despair,
Yet amidst the darkest night, I became fearless

Fearlessly, I reclaimed my faith and hope,
Though my reputation seemed on a slippery slope.
Longing to be someone’s “end game” in life’s quest,
A journey through trials, yet feeling blessed.

Now, amidst Taylor Swift’s era, I find solace,
Transformed by her melodies, finding grace.
Embracing the beauty within life’s intricate dance,
Becoming part of a legacy, I seize my chance.

Recently, my heart bore the weight of devastation,
Every pang, every tear, a testament to betrayal’s cruel transformation.
Repeatedly abandoned, yet naively hopeful,
Trusting against reason, only to face the same despair once more.

Longing to question, to sob, to scream,
Yet my voice remains trapped in the prison of my anguish.
Then, in a sudden burst, I find the courage within,
“Speak now,” I whisper to myself, a vow to reclaim my voice.

In the depths of heartache, I discover a flicker of strength,
Though battered, I refuse to surrender to darkness’ embrace.
With each blow, I rise, a phoenix from the ashes,
For within me lies the resilience to endure, to persevere.
Upon the pale blue orb we call home,
Where even the heavens mirror the azure tone.
Yet on that particular day, the sky’s brilliance outshone all,
As the essence of style found its pinnacle in the era of 1989.

I have a fondness for white tees and denim, while she preferred the elegance of red.
In an instant, it felt like my love for you turned fiery, engulfing everything in shades of crimson once more.
The thought of losing you leaves this era feeling unfinished.
The distance between our streets may be short,
But after enduring so much pain because of you,
I’ve altered my path and vowed never to traverse your street again,
Echoing Taylor Swift’s declaration: “I will never walk Cornelia Street

Wandering solo through the dim depths of the forest, eyes shut tight, destination unclear,.
Lost in the immersive world of “Cardigan,” volume cranked to the max.
Suddenly pausing, I open my eyes to find myself amidst a foggy, smoky darkness,
And in that moment, it dawns on me: I’ve reached my destination, the realm of folklore.

Those midnight hours morphed into moments I yearned for eagerly,
In the darkness, only your lovely hazel eyes were visible to me.
But then, you arrived wearing a peacock dress with a lavender hue,
In that instance, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was my destiny unfolding.

The unexpected twists of my path led to a collision of emotions,
Standing in the midst of nowhere, sipping champagne, and exchanging stories,
I couldn’t help but wonder, was this just another champagne problem?

As the morning unfolded, I found myself still nestled in bed, lost in a reverie where her presence was the only vivid imagery. The gentle caress of sunlight gradually extended its golden fingers, taking a leisurely 20 minutes to finally embrace me with its warm and radiant glow. It felt as if the sun itself was conveying the tender emotions that lingered in the wake of a dream dominated by her essence.I was sprawled out on my bed, devoid of any motivation to engage in life outside my room’s confines. The table held a cup of coffee, its aroma permeating every corner, and a bottle of rum gripped tightly in my hand. I mixed the rum with black coffee, downing countless glasses as I lay there, my heart shattered.Out of the blue, an Instagram notification flashed on my phone, and upon glimpsing it, the harsh truth hit me—it was February 14th. In French, they call it “Le 14 février, Saint-Valentin”
marking the infamous Valentine’s Day, a celebration of love and lovers. However, in France, this day is exclusively reserved for those “in” love, excluding mere gestures of friendship or affection. The realization stung, echoing the bitter undertones of heartbreak.It may sound sophisticated and captivating, but on that day, those harboring unreciprocated love endure profound devastation. The heart fractures into a million shards, scattering like the cosmos of distant stars. It’s akin to a colossal asteroid, with an immense diameter, colliding directly into the core of the heart. I’ve experienced this agony for what feels like an eternity. Witnessing the person you’ve loved for countless years now entangled with someone else intensifies the anguish.

February 14 stands as the epitome of agony, laden with a plethora of painful memories that assail my consciousness. The solitude envelops me like an unrelenting fever. Alone in my room, drowning in a bottle of rum, the haunting notes of ‘Where Dreams Go to Die’ by John Grant echo through the silence. Each tear that falls feels like a relentless downpour, striking me like bullets to the heart. The numbness, the shattered pieces of my soul, the profound hurt—it all consumes me, leaving me bewildered and broken, with an inexplicable ache that defies understanding.February 14, a day steeped in profound regret, an emotional maelstrom, a pain that stripped away everything from me, tearing me apart like a desolate moon. I found myself compelled to watch her depart, surrendering to the embrace of someone else’s arms. In those moments, it felt as if I died a million deaths, a relentless torment where my body seemed trapped in a perpetual slumber,and my heart pounded within my chest, its beats echoing the imminent demise of my very soul.Loving her feels like being immersed in a ceaseless sea of red, a relentless reminder. Describing her beauty is a challenge; her skin radiated like a distant star, while she dwelled within a captivating nebula alongside someone else. Meanwhile, I remain a shattered constellation, fragments of a broken asteroid. Uttering her name still inflicts a painful ache, a constant reminder of the enduring hurt.On the fateful day of February 14, I woke up with the intention of confessing my feelings to her. I dressed in a sky-blue suit matched with a black turtleneck sweater, adorned with a Cuban chain necklace, bracelet, and a black watch. White chunky sneakers adorned my feet. I thoughtfully selected a bouquet of red roses, personalized with care from the flower seller. Dark chocolates, her preferred treat, were also part of my heartfelt offerings. However, these once-meaningful gestures now serve as painful reminders of a love left unspoken and unanswered.

When I arrived, it was too late; she was already entwined with someone else, adorned with another’s ring, Clad in a striking crimson peacock dress, sleeveless and alluring, the vivid red has become an indelible mark on my soul. The memories of that moment, evoked by the color red, continue to inflict a deep and lingering heartbreak. I find myself stuck in the echo of that scene, unable to escape the persistent pain that resurfaces with every recollection.Her favorite dress adorned her, and I swear, she appeared breathtakingly beautiful, incomparable to anyone else. The act of loving her felt like being engulfed in a continuous sea of red, an agonizing repetition. As I witnessed that scene, time stood still, and tears cascaded down my face like an unending river. The bouquet of flowers slipped from my trembling hands, hitting the ground, echoing the shattered pieces of my heart.
Eventually, I witnessed her wrapped in someone else’s embrace, uttering a “yes” that cut deeper than any rejection. Leaving that painful scene, I sought solace in a club, drowning my sorrows with a bottle of alcohol. Racing on a motorcycle at speeds exceeding 100, I careened across a river, even though the fall couldn’t match the anguish of seeing her with someone else. Aware of her heart beating, realizing she was falling, but not for me, intensified the pain. Her heart never echoed for me, and it became evident that I was never meant to be the one. The heartbreak is palpable, yet I find myself shattered by a love I know I’ll never replicate.In the depths of my love for her, I forced myself into the friend zone, desperately attempting to bridge the void within me with her presence. My affection was so profound that I was prepared to exist in her shadow, but the most agonizing aspect was her complete lack of concern. She not only dismissed the notion of friendship but callously shattered me, magnifying the heartbreak and inflicting a profound hurt.

In the midst of unrelenting pain and suffering, my love for her endures. I continue to remind her of the goodness within her, acknowledging that the timing of our meeting was terribly wrong. The wera, the circumstances – all seemed to align in a painfully incorrect manner. I yearn for a different reality, where the situation was favorable, and time was on our side, sparing me from the shattering. Yet, my heart remains steadfast, beating solely for her, and it pains me to witness myself ensnared in this heart-wrenching predicament. A decade has passed, and I still need find myself ensnared in this emotional turmoil. Today, as I lay on my bed, aimlessly scrolling through a picture of her, a post seized my attention, revealing that she had departed and relocated overseas. The revelation hit me unexpectedly through her post, intensifying the emotional weight of this heartbroken situation. Not even a farewell crossed her mind, and I believed I deserved at least that much. Now, the bitter truth dawns on me – I am not the person she desires, never meant to be by her side. In her eyes, I amounted to nothing more than a mere fragment of humanity. The persistent pain baffles me, the feeling of brokenness without her consuming me, akin to a sorrowful melody of a song that loses its essence without her presence.A decade has mercilessly passed, yet I find myself ensnared in the unrelenting grip of love for her. The lingering ache and the sense of being torn apart persist, leaving me unable to escape the profound emptiness, loneliness, and brokenness that define my existence. Moving on seems an insurmountable task, and the perpetual agony feels like a cruel punishment for the crime of loving her so deeply. It’s a one-sided, unrequited love that condemns me to a perpetual state of emotional decay.

A friend once remarked that I was lost and later found, but the truth is, this journey of love feels like an excruciating torture. I am caught in the relentless flames of love, a ceaseless burning that inflicts an unexplainable pain. I’m exhausted from the constant hurt, tired of the emotional agony that seems to persist without respite.There are moments when I reflect on the path I’ve taken and question the missteps that have brought me to this heart-wrenching place. I find myself devoid of both mental and physical resilience. Hours pass as I remain confined to my bed, dwelling on the tormenting thoughts that relentlessly afflict me. It’s a continuous struggle, leaving me to grapple with the persistent inquiry: What exactly have I done wrong?Countless sleepless nights, tears staining the pillows, wrists marked by self-inflicted wounds, deserted by those I once held dear. Living with a shattered heart, I now wish for her to be the source of my pain, as the loneliness becomes unbearable. It’s as if I’m losing everything – my breaths feel strained, my heart beats with the anticipation of its own rupture, tired of the perpetual heartbreak. Life seems devoid of meaning, a purposeless existence burdened by the weight of a broken heart.
I find myself pondering if I’m reaping what I deserve or enduring what I don’t. Trapped in a stagnant existence, it feels like I’m the sole wanderer unable to cease, navigating through this heart-wrenching ordeal. The pervasive emptiness within me intensifies, pushing me towards the consideration of leaving behind not only everything but even my own physical form, overwhelmed by the weight of heartbreak.

Dear Taylor swift

This letter is specially crafted for you, and I acknowledge that you may never uncover the identity or location of its origin, given the multitude of fans worldwide. Nevertheless, I want to disclose that it emanates from Nepal, scribed by a devoted fan who has been enchanted by your music, admires you deeply, and has nurtured the dream of seeing you for an entire decade. The anticipation of that long-awaited moment is tangible. There’s a sense of feeling as i aspires to realize this dream before the prospect of departing from this world. In the event of such a departure, it would be marked by profound regret with no opportunity for redemption.

As a devoted Swiftie residing in Nepal, attending your concerts has always felt like an unattainable dream. The onset of your “Era” tour heightened my excitement, evoking a sense of euphoria as if I were falling in love all over again, reminiscent of the passionate hues of “Red.” On October 13, 2023, the much-anticipated “Era” movie was released. While it graced theatres in various countries, unfortunately, it did not hit the screens in Nepal, leaving me in a dilemma about where and how to watch it. Although it surfaced on online platforms, being a solitary individual without friends, it seemed unfair to experience it alone. After a period of patient waiting, fellow Swifties in Nepal collectively decided to celebrate and watch the “Era” movie together. On January 13, 2024, we gathered for this special event in Thamel, Kathmandu, the bustling capital city of Nepal and a popular tourist destination. As a person with disabilities, navigating through the crowded and vibrant streets of Thamel presented its own set of challenges, but the significance of the moment spurred me on. I am grateful to the Swifties and organizers who orchestrated this memorable event, turning it into a shared experience in the heart of Nepal.

As the movie finally started, the atmosphere was electric with excitement, enthusiasm, and happiness all around. Most attendees were accompanied by their loved ones, sharing their immediate emotions upon seeing you. Being someone without friends, I found myself unable to express or discuss my feelings. When the haunting notes of “Willow” began playing, it stirred up flashbacks, and tears silently rolled down my cheeks. Keeping these emotions to myself, I carried the weight in silence for some time. Songs like “Folklore,” “Evermore,” and “Speak Now” carry a profound emotional depth, filled with heartbreak that resonated deeply with my own experiences. They evoked memories of repeated letdowns by friends and loved ones, especially by those closest to me. Despite the pain, I concealed my tears beneath a composed exterior, though they flowed within like a relentless river. When these songs played, the desire not to cry and the urge to express my anguish physically were strong, yet I managed to restrain myself. While everyone around me was immersed in the emotions of the moment, I took my own time to absorb it all. Your songs, particularly those mentioned, provided a soothing effect, offering a brief respite. Simultaneously, they plunged me into a heart-wrenching experience, making it difficult to discern my true emotions. The beauty of your music lies in its ability to motivate me to let go, even in the face of intense pain.

This song Enchanted serves as the inspiration I needed to finally confess my feelings to the person I’ve been silently admiring in this one-sided love. I want to express this to that person “Meeting you was enchanting, and indeed, you made me blush. I’ll forever contemplate whether you were aware that falling for you and not being able to move on has been the most challenging and painful experience of my life. Despite the heartache, meeting you was a delightful moment. However, there are countless sentiments I wish to share, but they remain unspoken and challenging to put into words” The album called Reputation, particularly the track “Look What You Made Me Do,” played a crucial role in my life. It’s ironic that my attempts to express love, kindness, and appreciation inadvertently worsened my reputation, especially in matters of love. The song “Look What You Made Me Do” deeply resonated with me, leading me to make a painful and tragic decision – undergoing a significant foot amputation. The lyrics made me ponder the choices my life had compelled me to make. And trust me this song really helped me and inspired me in the midst of that time.


In the midst of this challenging moment, the song “Enchanted” played and while entranced by the song, I came to the realization that bidding her a final farewell before entering the operation room was crucial. Deep down, I harboured a sense of uncertainty about the surgery, fearing that unforeseen circumstances might prevent me from expressing how enchanted I was to have met her. Regrettably, my endeavour to convey this sentiment was met with rejection. Eagerly anticipating the release of the “1989” album, known for its excitement, I looked forward to its impact on me. The song “Style” from the album inspired me to switch from a black to a white t-shirt, embracing the slicked-back style referenced in the lyrics. The often-overlooked track “Blank Space” resonated with my feelings of heartbreak, betrayal, and the desire for revenge, even if it may sound humorous. As the clock approached 9 pm and my college responsibilities loomed, I reluctantly decided to leave the enjoyable era movie viewing experience. However, the moment I booked a ride to depart, the song “Wildest Dreams” played, making it difficult for me to leave before the song ended. Despite the conflict of emotions, with the support and motivation of those around me, I gathered the courage to cancel the ride and savor the magical moment until the song concluded. The experience encompassed a mix of wrenching emotions, finding peace, and navigating a broken place. In that solitary, dropping moment, the sight of you on the movie screen revived a sense of being alive once again.Throughout the entirety of 2024, you’ll be embarking on a tour, and I’ve been diligently searching for tickets, details about your performances, and even your stage attire.[

In the upcoming year of 2024, you’ll be on a tour, and I’ve been actively searching for tickets, details about your performances, and even specifics about your stage outfits. Despite the logistical challenge of being based in Nepal, I’ve learned that Taylor, your era tour, is scheduled for Australia, Europe like Paris and Canada. A strong sense of envy arises as I realize that my friends and relatives will have the incredible opportunity to be witnessed of the era tour. Every mention of Australia, Europe and Canada triggers a unique heartbeat in me. The idea of people I’ve barely had the chance to say goodbye to still being in those countries strikes a chord. Despite the seeming impracticality, I find myself entertaining the amusing notion of pleading for visas just to attend the tour. It may sound amusing, but I am genuinely prepared to traverse great distances just to see you, Taylor Swift.

To be honest, I’ve been immersed in your music for an extended period, a fact that my friends and others may find unbelievable. My introduction to your songs dates back to my school days in 7th grade, and ever since, I’ve been an ardent listener, cherishing, daydreaming, and eagerly anticipating moments when I might catch a glimpse of you in person. The “Speak Now” era holds a particularly special and personal place in my heart. The song “Enchanted” holds an indescribable significance for me, and it has a profound impact that often moves me to tears—something that continues to happen every time I hear it. I’ve gone to the extent of setting “Enchanted” as my mobile ringtone, and the emotional response it triggers makes my heart feel like it momentarily stops. This song takes me back to my initial emotions for someone, emphasizing the potency of one-sided feelings. It serves as a constant reminder of the enchanted moment when I met that person. During a difficult period when I was diagnosed with an incurable disease, and the daily struggle for survival became a daunting reality, your songs provided solace. Your message about the strength of acceptance became a guiding principle for me. Despite facing numerous heartbreaks, betrayals in friendships, lies, and pain, your music has been a source of great comfort—a compassionate light of hope. You’ve encouraged me to express myself through writing, and as a result, I have created stories, poems, and lines, pouring my emotions onto paper, especially for her.

It’s not just Taylor Swift’s fans, but the sentiments in her songs resonate universally. In the midst of my hospitalization, I faced the painful situation of being abandoned by someone I held dear. As I prepared to enter the operation room, my wait became increasingly desperate, akin to the lyrics that express the sentiment: “The more that you say, the less I know, wherever you stray, I follow.” The stark realization hit me that unrequited love entails enduring suffering, a constant feeling of suffocation and torture. It’s akin to a daily emotional death, compounded by the anguish of witnessing the person I yearn for in the arms of someone else, contrary to the dreams I had envisioned. This emotional turmoil finds poignant expression in songs like “Teardrops on My Guitar,” “Invisible,” “Ivy,” “Gold Rush,” and various others. Taylor, your music goes beyond just being songs; it’s a lifeline filled with hope, faith, love, trust, redemption, and inspiration. As I battled through my first chemotherapy and the discomfort of steroids, your songs like “Style,” “Blank Space,” “Bad Blood,” “Lover,” and “Anti-Hero” became the motivating force that kept me going. Your music is a comforting companion that speaks to my soul in a unique and profound way. In the midst of my struggles, your song “Red” inspired me to pour my emotions into a poem. The most precious lesson I’ve learned from you is the art of forgiveness and the strength to let go. Despite facing ignorance and the feeling of being overlooked by others, I’ve chosen to celebrate my journey each year by cutting a cake for myself. Your song “22” resonates deeply, providing me with a sense of motivation and encouragement.

Navigating friendships has been a tough road, and I’ve come to realize that not everyone is willing to befriend someone like me, possibly influenced by my physical appearance. However, I’ve decided to embrace the power of forgetting, forgiving, and letting go. Taylor, thank you for being the guiding light that helps me find strength in the midst of my struggles. Taylor, I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have been born in the same era as you. I’ve had the privilege of witnessing your remarkable evolution throughout the years. Being part of the Speak Now era is a gift I cherish. Your journey, like a captivating movie, has become a significant part of my own story. Now, as I reflect, I realize I have no regrets about being born in this era, and saying goodbye feels like a meaningful part of this emotional journey. Thank you for sharing your artistry and making me feel connected to something truly special.

This journey called life has taken me to unexpected places, and I never imagined I would find myself here. Throughout my existence, my constant endeavor has been to evolve into a better version of myself, not just for my sake but also for the sake of my parents, friends, and especially for her. Every step I’ve taken has been fueled by the desire to do what’s right, yet I find myself questioning my abilities. Despite my persistent efforts, it seems like I’m constantly encountering failures and setbacks, making me doubt if I’m truly doing enough to mend things and if I’m earnestly striving to align myself with the path I envision. I’ve dedicated my entire life to fixing things, and the struggle persists. It’s disheartening that my endeavors don’t appear to be bearing fruit, and I continue to grapple with the feeling that I’ b m I’m the feeling that I’m not fitting into the narrative of success. I’ve poured my heart and soul into rectifying aspects of my life, but the puzzle pieces don’t seem to be falling into place. 

Even now, I’m relentlessly trying, grappling with the relentless pursuit of improvement. In my quest for personal growth, I’ve yearned for the simple pleasures of companionship – a friend to warmly greet, someone to share a meal table with, and a confidant I can easily approach. Despite pouring my energy into forming connections, the genuine friendships I seek remain elusive. Despite my earnest attempts, I find myself unable to forge the connections I long for, leaving me in a state of emotional turmoil. In my pursuit of building and nurturing friendships, all I encountered were responses of rejection, betrayal, heartbreak, and deceit, delivered through eyes that seemed to pierce through my soul. Despite facing these challenges, I persist in pursuing the same connections, only to be met with the familiar sting of rejection. The endeavour to make friends has proven to be an insurmountable task, resulting in the loss of fragments of my heart. I fear that this process might eventually silence my heart, a prospect that strangely feels preferable. The notion of a quiet heart, spared from the agony of betrayal and heartbreak, strangely brings a glimmer of solace. I’ll forever be haunted by the question of what’s inherently wrong with me. Deep down, I acknowledge that the root cause of it all lies in my physical appearance. It seems justifiable —why would anyone want to share the same path with someone who requires assxscistance? The most agonising part is when people abandon me at the last moment. I wait patiently for an hour, clinging to hope, only to be met with silence – no calls, no texts. 

Returning home, the struggle to find sleep becomes a nightly ordeal, and even therapy fails to bring solace. To finally drift into slumber, I rely on medication, a bitter reminder of my fragility.The pain of being betrayed by friends and love remains, etched into my heart, resisting any attempts to release it. Over the years, my singular pursuit has been to foster friendships without expecting anything in return. Yet, each endeavour results in the familiar cycle of rejection and betrayal, an agonising pattern that persists despite my unwavering efforts.The most heart-wrenching moment is when someone you believed to be a friend departs without uttering a final goodbye, leaving an indelible pain. It prompts reflection on the years spent striving to do the right thing and mend what’s broken, only to be met with a constant barrage of betrayal and rejection. It solidifies the belief that there’s nothing within me to offer, that I’m fundamentally different and abnormal. This affliction is like a slow, gentle death, gradually extinguishing my spirit, and all I’ve wished for since the diagnosis is for this torment to come to an end.

I’ve poured every ounce of effort, relentlessly trying to do what’s right and repair the fractures. I’ve consistently been there for others, yet when I needed someone, there was only emptiness. The painful truth is, everyone has made it abundantly clear that individuals like me don’t deserve to share moments with those we hold dear.

Individuals like me, it seems, are deemed unworthy of having friends, love, care, and respect. Instead, we are destined for heartbreak, betrayal, lies, and rejection. Despite my unwavering commitment to promises, I find myself in situations where dedication is met with disappointment. Once, facing a dilemma between meeting a friend and a crucial doctor’s appointment, I chose to prioritize the friend. I cancelled the appointment and patiently waited at the agreed-upon place for an hour, only to be met with silence – no calls, no texts. I was left feeling abandoned, realizing that my efforts to fit into a certain place were in vain. It has dawned on me that this is not my place; I was never meant to belong here. Despite spending a whole year searching for genuine moments, each moment in my life seems to be tainted with deception.